I can\u2019t physically or mentally follow a linear path whether that be in cleaning my house, trying to buy healthy foods without bankrupting our retirement at the grocery store, or doing math. It also means that my husband and child operate under that same chaotic methodology. Kevin hates it.\u00a0 While easily distracted (understatement of the century) his brain has the ability to clean up the kitchen without simultaneously doing laundry, making lunch, and running a marathon. I\u2019m impressed by that linear focus, but I\u2019m more impressed by my ability to multitask in a way that may seem like I\u2019m making and using meth in my basement bathroom.<\/p>\n
But, moms get shit done, so in order to make all of the meth, raise a contributing member of society, not burn down the house baking cookies, and rake the leaves, moms have to be resourceful.\u00a0 With that being said, may I present to you:<\/p>\n
Mom Hacks \u2013 Hot Mess Edition:<\/p>\n
1: Sign up for Every. Single. Thing possible that involves your child.\u00a0 Your child\u2019s classroom has a party every six minutes, perfect. Sign up to be the craft mom for every one of those parties. When your child\u2019s teacher calls you to follow through on it. Panic.\u00a0 Immediately go on Pinterest and make yourself feel bad about your basement meth lab bathroom, lack of farm d\u00e9cor, and thighs. If other people\u2019s kids make you nervous, even better. Plan an insanely difficult craft and then try not to cry when one of those children coughs into your mouth.\u00a0 Wear a cute denim jacket over your long-sleeved shirt so you get really sweaty.\u00a0 It\u2019s basically cardio.\u00a0 Now you can spend the time you should have been working out today laying in the fetal position while clutching a glass of wine. Wine is also good for your heart, so basically you just added years to your life.<\/p>\n
2: I recently started a full-time job. I also have a part-time job and two volunteer jobs. (I\u2019m not saying that to brag. I\u2019m sharing that to highlight what an absolute idiot I am.) Once you\u2019ve signed up for literally Every. Single. Thing. call your husband crying at least once a week, once a day if you can swing it, to tell him you\u2019re having chest pains from stress from one of the volunteer positions you hold that doesn\u2019t pay you money\u2026it just pays you in stress and angry emails about people\u2019s dogs you have no control over.\u00a0 Later in the day, (three minutes later precisely if you can swing it) call your spouse three times in a row when they are in a business meeting so they have to step away from something important to tell them it was a false alarm, you\u2019re actually KILLING IT at your job that pays actual money today and you\u2019re currently happy dancing in your office.\u00a0 Small victories always seem more fulfilling when you\u2019ve had an unrelated meltdown leading up to them.\u00a0 Try it! It\u2019s horrible for your heart but really fun and exciting for your heart all at the same time. Like water slides or trying to kiss a cobra on the lips, but since you\u2019re drinking that wine you\u2019re heart can handle it!<\/p>\n
3: While at the park with your child, realize that you need to pee like now. You actually needed to pee an hour ago and somehow forgot and now it\u2019s an emergency. Negotiate for 15 minutes with your child that she doesn\u2019t have to go potty, mommy has to go potty, and you won\u2019t even make her try, but that she can\u2019t stay at the park alone because there are strangers. Spend 10 minutes explaining what a stranger is. Spend 10 minutes explaining that she still has to say hello to people she doesn\u2019t know.\u00a0 Apologize profusely to the woman walking towards the park when your child looks at her like she\u2019s evil incarnate.\u00a0 Question every choice you\u2019ve ever made in your life that led to the moment you started to pee in your pants in front of your potty training toddler and a stranger trying to enjoy a walk with her dog. Walk all of the way across the playground, walk passed the open field, walk across the parking lot, and walk down the sidewalk while a seemingly drunk person follows 10 feet behind you while rolling across the ground, skipping, laying in the parking lot to stare into the sun, and demanding snacks (it was actually my toddler) to discover that the park bathroom is locked for the season. Panic. Start to pace and google the closest bathroom.\u00a0 Realize there\u2019s no way you can make it. Say a prayer to all things holy that you don\u2019t pee your pants in front of your kid because she will never forget it.\u00a0 Realize that you have a toddler potty in the back of your station wagon.\u00a0 Start speed walking back across the parking lot.\u00a0 This time straight up drag the drunk person, sorry toddler, you spend all of your time with.\u00a0 Tell her mommy is going to have an accident if you don\u2019t hurry. Spend the run\/walk\/potty dance across the parking lot explaining mommy won\u2019t actually pee her pants because we don\u2019t peepee in our \u201cmundies\u201d we pee in the potty. Answer the 19 questions related to the fact that you weren\u2019t actually going to pee in your \u201cmundies\u201d (I already had a little if I\u2019m being honest with you, reader) Explain that you were exaggerating. Explain what exaggerating means. Open up the back of your station wagon and grab the potty as a mom pulls up with a van FULL of kids.\u00a0 Do you know how long it takes a mom to unload a van full of kids? A long time. I know because I waited to pull my pants down and pee in the backseat of my car while my toddler clapped and said, \u201cGood job mama!!\u201d then \u201cOh no, mama! We no pee pee in our mundies!\u201d Setting your child\u2019s expectations of you so low can only benefit you in the long run. Parenting is so much easier when your child doesn\u2019t even expect you to have the capacity to not pee your pants at a park in front of their peers.<\/p>\n
4: Once you\u2019ve peed in your car in public for God and all of the toddlers to see, it\u2019s a slippery slope of mom hacks that are borderline alarming. So this morning as we drove to school, with Ellie eating her breakfast in the backseat (because you\u2019ve read this post\u2026you know I\u2019m not the kind of person that is able to get my kid breakfast before we walk out the door) I looked over and saw her milk cup had spilled across the passenger seat and was being soaked up by her playground jacket, hat, and gloves. I started searching for the bag of wipes I keep in the car.\u00a0 They were nowhere to be found (THANKS, Kev!) I used her mittens and as I was taking my stocking cap off to try to soak up the rest with it, I had a brilliant idea. I usually keep a backup pad and tampon in my car.\u00a0 It obviously worked better than any wipe could have ever dreamed their little wipe dreams of working. And I\u2019m reassured that even hot mess moms get shit done. Even if that shit is cleaning up milk in the school parking lot with feminine hygiene products while a whole host of other moms that have never had their pants off at a park drive by and wave.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I can\u2019t physically or mentally follow a linear path whether that be in cleaning my house, trying to buy healthy foods without bankrupting our retirement at the grocery store, or doing math. It also means that my husband and child operate under that same chaotic methodology. 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When we arrived at her school (with her shoes now on thank you very much), I was thrown into the savage world of school drop\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/First-day-of-school-e1535421460484.jpg?fit=353%2C500&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":45,"url":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/?p=45","url_meta":{"origin":74,"position":1},"title":"The Night Before Preschool","date":"August 26, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"As a mom, I think I\u2019m supposed to be sad about my little girl being big enough to start preschool. I\u2019ve read post after post after post lamenting the fact that children are headed back to school over the last few weeks. So now I\u2019m questioning if I\u2019m supposed to\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 4 comments","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/Ellie-Reading-BandW.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":103,"url":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/?p=103","url_meta":{"origin":74,"position":2},"title":"Chapter 1","date":"January 21, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Just kidding. I didn't start writing a book, but I have done a lot of thinking about writing lately. I've thought\u00a0about how I love\u00a0to laugh about the absurdity of life and then share those stories with others. I've thought about how people don't love that I swear when I write\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":32,"url":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/?p=32","url_meta":{"origin":74,"position":3},"title":"Reluctantly My One and Only","date":"April 6, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"I had big plans for my daughter and her sister. Our family of four would section hike the Appalachian Trail every year, culminating at the summit of Mount Katadhin the summer before my oldest left for college; my girls would backpack through Europe together as they got older, and my\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/DSC_0903-Edit-2.jpg?fit=1200%2C798&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":86,"url":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/?p=86","url_meta":{"origin":74,"position":4},"title":"Full blown","date":"March 7, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"This is the face of a woman in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I haven\u2019t had one in a really long time but tonight out of left field I lost the daily struggle to keep the crazy in check. My kid was sweet today, my husband was\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 1 comment","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/7DFA798E-AB64-4903-9497-9EC85CC63AAC.jpeg?fit=902%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":80,"url":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/?p=80","url_meta":{"origin":74,"position":5},"title":"Fostering Independence","date":"February 21, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"As a parent I\u2019ve worked incredibly hard to instill a sense of independence in my child. My mother did it for me and it\u2019s one of the things I\u2019m most committed to as a mother. I genuinely worry that I make life too easy for her because I live and\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 1 comment","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/34BD0B09-063C-4DBD-B0D4-EE811AF87582.jpeg?fit=712%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=74"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":78,"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74\/revisions\/78"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/75"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=74"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=74"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hypotheticallyhappy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=74"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}